That Shit was Ill, Yo!

I got out of the apartment last night and joined my buddy, The Jim Cremins, for an evening of short films and stage productions put on by Left Hip Productions.  They had a great concept and the execution was amazing considering the lack of budget for the videos.  All in all, it was a great night.  I hope to join up with them in the future to collaborate on a few projects.

So, after the show, Jim and I walked up to Times Square and caught our respective trains home.  Him on the N train to Queens and me on the N train to Brooklyn.  As we approached the stairs leading down to our platforms, my train arrived.  I said a quick good-by to Jim, exchanged a pound, and hauled ass down the stairs.  A mob was already awaiting the N train on the platform, so as soon as the doors slid open, the cars filled up.  I was (un)lucky enough to jump on the last car.  Being able to take the N train all the way home is a blessing.  Otherwise, I would have to stop at Atlantic/Pacific in Brooklyn and transfer to the R train.  On late nights, the N train runs all of the R train stops, so I was able to "settle" in for the ride all they way home.  I took my lean in one of the corners of the train car and pulled out my phone to complete a crossword puzzle or two on the ride back.

Now, typically, the trains aren't quiet.  People talk.  Some talk on cell phones.  Others to one another.  Some are paranoid schizophrenics who talk to people who aren't even there.  This particular night there was a large black family that took up a good deal of the end of the car I happened to occupy as well.  When I say they were a large family, I mean that in both quantity and size.  Along with this mass came the boisterous voices of women talking about some trifling "ni**a (that) be cheatin all the time!"  Now, usually I'm not bothered by loud people (except kids...kids that are loud are often obnoxious), however this woman just had this attitude and voice about her that just got under my skin.

Okay, now combine that woman with the large Asian family that was standing up across from me at my end of the car.  Now when I say large, I only mean in quantity.  These were the wiry semi-dorky Asian types.  The dad was loud as hell, too...but he was speaking a different language.

So now I have Miss Air-Out-All-My-Shit-And-Not-Give-A-Fuck versus Mr. Loud-Foreign-Language-Guy.  Every now and then Loud-Foreign-Language-Guy would pull ahead, but mainly because he was so close to me and was trying to entertain his kids by fake fighting with them...seriously!  Like making hitting noises and using his legs to throw his kids around!  It was like some insane training for reject Spartans!

Miss Air-Out-All-My-Shit-And-Not-Give-A-Fuck pretty much maintained the lead by informing the entire train that this guy was a dumb-ass and that his "boo" became suspicious about some phone calls that kept coming in and he tried saying it was bill collectors.  Apparently this tactic doesn't work.  Also, apparently if you're attractive it's a pass to cheat...or at least be forgiven for cheating.  This woman went on about how "he uh ugly ni**a, too!"  I guess ugly people don't get a pass.

At some point, the Asian family forfeited and left the train, allowing Miss Air-Out-All-My-Shit-And-Not-Give-A-Fuck to do her victory lap which included talking over the conductor.  I don't know how many NYC subways you've been on, but when a conductor talks over the loudspeaker, it's near impossible to understand him/her.  Couple that with the fact that they usually choose to use the loudspeaker when the door are wide open and another train is passing on a nearby track and it gets even more difficult.  Now add this loud mouth bitch into the equation and I didn't hear a damn thing the conductor said!

This can be kinda important since the conductor will often announce that we can all go fuck ourselves and find a different way home since this particular train will only go to two more stops.  Luckily this turned out not to be the case...this time.  And the woman kept jawing.

By then, I'd managed to get so upset by these loud individuals that I'd broken into a sweat and had troubles concentrating on my crosswords.  Allow me to share a quote from a psychopath in a fictional film:

On the subway today, a man came to me to
                   start a conversation.  He made small talk,
                   this lonely man, talking about the weather
                   and other things.  I tried to be pleasant
                   and accommodating, but my head began to
                   hurt from his banality.  I almost didn't
                   notice it had happened, but I suddenly
                   threw up all over him.  He was not pleased,
                   and I couldn't help laughing.

...I wanted to throw up on this woman.  I literally felt nauseous, leaning in my corner, drenched in a cold sweat.  My stomach began to turn and my head felt lighter by the minute.  I eventually returned my phone to the lower right cargo pocket of my shorts and held on, trying not to think about the bile I wished to spew on this woman.  She had been drowning me in her filth for 20 minutes.  The least I could do was return the favor.  

Finally I came to my stop and quickly exited the train.  I made my way up the stairs and breathed in the cool, fresh air.  I felt the evening breeze bringing relief to my dampened skin.  And, finally, I went home.