Just a Dream

So, I had a dream last night that I was in space.  I didn't have a space suit on, it was me, in plain clothes, floating through space.  I believe I went up in a shuttle, but somehow got out of it and just floated up to a small space station.  Someone was with me, although I don't know who.  We discussed the changes in the different space shuttles over time.  How they got more sleek and aerodynamic.  We entered the space station, looked around, and then just left, going back to floating amongst the stars.  

That was all I can really recall from the dream.

Then I found out that today is the day the space shuttle program will end...

TMI! TMI!

If you are related to Amanda or me, you might want to stop reading now.

You're still reading...STOP!

Okay, just don't bring it up later!

Keep in mind we've only been in NY for a little over two months...and those months have been from warm to hot!

That said, spontaneous sex is out of the question!  Unless you are completely immune to the musty smell of the netherlands, a shower is absolutely needed before engaging in physical fun time.

Maybe it's just us!  Maybe most people don't care!  I'm sure there will be a point in time when we just throw in the towel and get used to stinky, sweaty sex.

Now don't get me wrong, sweaty sex is awesome!  But this isn't just sweaty sex.  This is walking around New York City, layer of grime on skin, hair slicked back from the sweat, soaked through clothing, in need of Gold Bond sweat.  This isn't that roll over for post-coital heavy breathing, dry off under a ceiling fan while still reaching for a boob sweat.  This is that lay down and push every cover to the middle of the bed, get the dog away from me, I love you but please don't touch me right now I feel gross, I usually fall asleep touching my own junk but I don't want to sour my hands sweat!  I guess my point is, THIS IS NOT SEXY SWEAT!

I have been a morning showerer for as long as I can remember.  The only time this routine typically changes is when I have to be up really early for something and showering the night before will buy me 20 more minutes of sleep the next morning.  I like being a morning showerer.  It helps wake me up!  It's a great way to start the day!  I constantly resist the need to be the night time showerer.  Usually it is because I'm just too damn tired to shower at night and I just want to go to bed.

"Why not shower early in the evening so when you get tired you can just go to bed?"

Good question.  Here's my answer:

I have two dogs that I have to harness and leash and walk down three flights of stairs and out into the street to stand in the heat while they piss and shit and then pick up said shit and walk back up those three flights of stairs and unharness them and then go to bed.  By the time I'm done with that, I'm usually sweating again.  Yes, part of it has to do with the fact that I'm out of shape.  Yes, part of it has to do with the fact that I'm a sweaty person.  Maybe in the fall things will be different.  But for now, it's gross.

Keep in mind we have A/C units in our bedroom and in the living room.  I've seen a lot of apartments without A/C units!  Can you imagine the overwhelming, perpetual ball smell slapping you in the face there?

Now, you may have noticed that I'm only referencing the smell of the male genitalia and I have done so for very good reason.  My wife smells like roses.

You think your shit don't stink!?

Pigeons.

If you have ever been to New York or seen a movie that takes place in New York, you know that there are pigeons everywhere.  When I first moved up here, I wondered how often people got shat on by pigeons.  I also wondered how long it would take before I was inevitably shat on.  Roughly nine weeks and one and a half days.

Amanda and I met up with some friends at the most awesome sports bar EVER, 200 5th.  They have a huge projector screen in the back of the place and individual TVs for each person sitting at a table.  I'm not saying there is a TV at each table...I'm saying there is a TV for each person!  And you can get them to tune in to whatever game you want!

Needless to say, this past Sunday every TV was tuned in to the Fifa Women's World Cup Final.  I was seated on a long bench seat between three people.  I get a bit claustrophobic, so I had to take a break and get out from the middle of the bench.  It was noisy inside the bar and I was trying to talk to Amanda and my buddy, Jim about his job, so we stepped outside for a minute.  I led the trio out of the front door...and blammo!

I don't know if you've ever been shat upon, but it kind of sucks.  This massive poop landed directly on my left shoulder.  That's a bit too close to my face!  I also felt something hit my neck and the back of my head.  It took me a moment to realize what had happened.  At first I thought it was condensation from an A/C unit, but then realized it was more than just a drip.  Then I thought someone threw up out of a window above the bar, but there wasn't enough for it to be vomit.  That's when I glanced up (risky!) to see the freshly relieved pigeon turn and strut away.  I looked at Jim and Amanda who were confused and stunned.

"I just got shat upon," I said, nonchalantly.

Somewhere between the laughter Amanda was able to remind me that getting shit on by a bird is supposed to be good luck.

Amanda ran inside to grab me some napkins.  I stood, frozen, outside of the bar and had Jim check my neck and hair for any poo-poo splatter.  He didn't see any, just some clear liquid like water...yes...it was liquid pigeon butt-juice.  I also noticed a bit of the dark broon on my thumb.

Amanda came back out and began wiping the mound off of my shoulder.  A lump of it landed on my arm, adding a bit of insult to injury.  I grabbed a napkin and wiped off my head and neck.

Jim mentioned that he was on the verge of getting sick.  I mentioned that it was strange how the shit never smelled.  How does shit not stink?  It makes me wonder if this is true of all birds or is it just pigeons?  Or was it just this particular pigeon...or just this particular pigeon's singular poop?

This isn't a science project I think I'm going to study any time soon, it just made me wonder.  By the way, I hit up Brooklyn Industries on the corner of the block and got a new shirt.  So it wasn't all bad!  And if getting shit on by a bird is good luck, I should be the luckiest mofo in the world with the amount of shit with which I was hit!

It's paid for! Now get rid of it!

For those of you who read this on a regular basis, you'll know that I had a bit of trouble with keeping my car out of the hands of NYC's fucked up punishment system.

Quick recap:

Got a ticket on my birthday for no apparent reason, then got towed the following day (after moving my car to a location to avoid another ticket) to a location only revealed to me by a construction worker who was directing traffic and only after speaking to several NYC police precincts who could all tell me nothing except to walk around and look for my car...which I did...twice.

So, after that experience, and then waking up one morning to walk the dogs and finding a van parked on my car, we have now decided to get rid of our Yaris...just two months after paying it off.

What's that?  Oh, yeah!  The van!

I got up and threw on some clothes and shoes and took Abby and Red out to use the sidewalk (and a small tree that Red is bound and determined to piss to death).  My car was parked directly in front of my apartment building.  Now, as a general rule, people are basically allowed one tap when parallel parking.  That's a tap to the bumper of the car in front of and behind you while trying to park.  Most people in New York have guards on their bumpers to avoid scratches.  The ones that don't have bumpers that look like scratching posts for a litter of kittens.

This particular day there was a black van actually backed completely up to where their back bumper was literally touching my front bumper over the span of a good two feet or more.  Needless to say, this bothered me.  Then I look inside the van to see a guy sleeping in the passenger seat.  So I knocked on the window.  He stirred and sluggishly pulled himself up from his reclined seat and opened the door.

"Do you think you could get someone to move the van up so your not sitting on top of my car?"

He looked confused.

So I explained further, "Your van is literally touching my car."  He slowly drug himself out of the van and shuffled to the back to see what I was talking about.  Without even a word, he turned to get back in the van.  At this point Red, my bigger dog, jumped at him and barked...he agreed that it was fucked up for these guys to be parked this way.  I pulled back on Red's leash to let the passenger get by.

Suddenly the driver sits up out of nowhere and starts up the van.  I had no idea there was even a driver in there!  He pulls up a foot or so and they look to me for approval.  I nod my head and return my attention to my dogs, and the return to their slumber.

As for the car, there is a bit of a light scratch that spans the length of where the van was parked on it.  It's enough to piss me off, but that's about it.

The fact is, there really is no need for a car in NY.  There are Zip cars and rentals and an amazing public transportation system.  At this point it only really serves as a target for people in black vans!

After these incidents, realizing our lack of need, and the quotes on how expensive insurance is in NY, we've decided to just let the car go.

My brother is in need of a car, so I offered it to him...but it looks like he'd rather have a car payment than take mine off my hands.

It's okay, though, because my in-laws would also like to have it to bring to their house in Florida to have when they are down there.

I do find it interesting that I'm trying to give my car away to family member in need and I have to have a back-up plan just in case...oh well!  Not my loss...or is it?