As a disclaimer, I would like to start by saying my heart goes out to the families that lost loved ones due to Irene. My humor is not meant to mock anybody's pain.
When I lived in the south, we would sometimes get a snow storm. Usually it wouldn't add up to much more than a couple of inches (insert penis joke here), but we would find ourselves stuck in a house with non-perishable foods, a gallon of milk and the frustrating inconsistencies of Time Warner Cable. (Just for the record, I still don't understand why everyone rushes out for milk. If you lose power, the milk goes bad!) The city would be shut down, Amanda would be working from home and the dogs would be confused as to how to shit on a sheet of ice. Nobody would be driving unless they had to or they were from the north.
Those from the north would mock us with their vehicular prowess as they navigated the ice covered streets with ease at top speeds. We would constantly hear the jabbing comments about how southerners are dumb and don't know how to drive in the snow.
"You call this a snow storm!?" they would say. "You don't know what a real snow storm is! In New York we wouldn't even define this as snow." They wouldn't understand that the city of Charlotte is not equipped to handle even the smallest amount of snow since it's so rare that we get it there. We don't have the slag trucks and manpower to handle these acts of nature. Would you rather people who grew up in the south say, "Fuck it! I'm going to drive anyway!" Nobody wants that. They will be slow, they will be dangerous and they will be sliding off the roads.
Then came Irene. Finally we were able to exact our revenge! The Category 1 hurricane decided to make her way up to the popular city of New York. (Now, I understand that Irene was more than a Cat 1 when she made landfall, but, honestly, when she made it to NYC, she was barely a tropical storm.) As us dumb southerners were watching the news and mocking this laughable "hurricane" that was on its way up for a visit, the know-it-all New Yorkers were boarding up windows and buying all the milk in preparation for a little rain shower. We went and got our gallons of water and a few boxes and cans of non-perishables, but only because we realize that NYC is not prepared for a storm and we didn't know what kind of aftermath we would be in for. Power lines could have gotten blown over and stores could have decided not to reopen.
The news was blowing the entire situation out of proportion as well. This was supposed to be the "storm of the century"! This was supposed to drown NYC and even had the dramatic computer graphic images to show the tides splashing up against the buildings in lower Manhattan. It basically seemed to us that after Mayor Bloomberg made the decision to shut down the MTA and evacuate flood zone "A", the news had no choice but to continue to make this storm as epic as it possibly could. But all of us dumb southerners knew that once the storm hit land, it would decrease in intensity. As the storm continued to move north and lose strength, we knew it would be nothing more than a thunderstorm by the time it got up to us.
Even the next day, the great city of New York hadn't recovered. All of the subways were still closed. Businesses were still boarded up and the streets were desolate. There were the rare cabs cruising up and down the streets, but not too many fares wandered the abandoned avenues. Tourists had gathered up their souvenirs and taken the first bus or plane out.
The news was still freaking out and we were told that we should all still remain indoors. REALLY!? Now I'm not saying people should just go out all willy nilly like it was a beautiful spring day, but to not go out at all!? It was one of the nicest days I had seen outside in New York since I moved here! The sun would occasionally peek out. The breeze felt amazing. The temperature was just right. All we really needed were a few brave New Yorkers to come out and open up a damn restaurant!
In a small way, it was nice to see the well adjusted people of New York freak out over what we knew would be a small storm. In a small way, it was nice to be able to throw a little mockery their way. Take that New York! Score one for the dumb southerners who never get snow...but know what a damn Hurricane is! Drive in that!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Learn to Laugh
These views have significantly changed and I am a more mature person now having listened to those around me and grown through their knowledge.
Monday, August 8, 2011
She's always playing with it!
She plays with it everywhere.
She plays with it on the couch when she gets home from work.
She plays with it in bed when we lay down.
She plays with it on the subway, whether she's standing or sitting.
She plays with it even when we're watching a movie at home!
She plays with it when we talk sometimes, barely nodding in agreement.
She plays with it on the airplane.
She plays with it in the car...unless she's sleeping.
She plays with it when we go out for dinner.
When we're out and I excuse myself to use the restroom, she's playing with it when I return.
She plays with it in the shade,
She plays with it in the sun.
She doesn't seem to play with it much in the rain...
She plays with it sitting up, laying down, walking, waiting or standing.
I often think she'd rather be playing with it than spending time with me.
I honestly wouldn't mind so much if I had one to play with...
But I won't have an iPhone for at least another year.
She plays with it on the couch when she gets home from work.
She plays with it in bed when we lay down.
She plays with it on the subway, whether she's standing or sitting.
She plays with it even when we're watching a movie at home!
She plays with it when we talk sometimes, barely nodding in agreement.
She plays with it on the airplane.
She plays with it in the car...unless she's sleeping.
She plays with it when we go out for dinner.
When we're out and I excuse myself to use the restroom, she's playing with it when I return.
She plays with it in the shade,
She plays with it in the sun.
She doesn't seem to play with it much in the rain...
She plays with it sitting up, laying down, walking, waiting or standing.
I often think she'd rather be playing with it than spending time with me.
I honestly wouldn't mind so much if I had one to play with...
But I won't have an iPhone for at least another year.
Scrub no more...wait, scratch that.
Hello, all! It's been a while! I don't really remember when I last checked in, but I feel like I actually have something to report this time!
So, my buddy, Jim Cremins, made a life changing decision a couple of months ago to quit his job as the GM of the Beekman Theatre and do what he moved to NY to do which is work in the film industry. Since making that decision, he's had work every week in some capacity on a project in that industry! Most recently he got on as an office PA on the low budget film "Scoutmasters." Being the good friend that he is, he got me an interview. I went in, apparently impressed some people and started driving. I worked my first day in about three and a half months and became an ex-NYC Scrub!
(cheers and applause and pats on the back)
I know, thank you, thank you! So, whilst driving I apparently impressed a few other people and I figured this gig was on lock! Then I found out the AD department (that's assistant directors) had a different idea.
See, when I first interviewed, I came in to be a driver. Then they realized I was an actor and they wanted me to be a set PA working with the nine nine-year-olds in the film. I was down for that! Then the director steps in and brings someone else in for the kid wrangler position...but the coordinators that I interviewed with still like me and want me to work, so they tell me I'll likely be a talent driver. Still awesome! Driving a van around for the actors (the film stars Patton Oswalt, Johnny Knoxville and Rob Riggle) and then working on set in between is a good way to make some connections.
Then during pre-production, the set decorating department needed a 14' box truck to get their gear to Yonkers. I got the call and drove for that day. I have to be honest, not a fan of driving a truck in and around NYC. There are certain roads you can't drive on in NYC and there are certain bridges you can't take. You pretty much can't park anywhere and part of this film takes place in Bear Mountain State Park where I would be driving up the side of said mountain with nothing but a six-inch rock wall keeping me from going over the edge and plummeting to my inevitable fate. Do not want!
The two days after driving the box truck I drove one of two 15-passenger vans on a Tech Scout. We hit just about every location outside of Manhattan and this is where I learned about the need to drive up the side of a mountain. There was a lot of back-and-forth between what I was hearing in the van and what I was hearing from the production office. The coordinators wanted me to be a talent driver while the ADs wanted me to be a truck driver. The set decorator, Lou, wanted me to drive his truck. After I told the coordinators that I didn't feel comfortable driving a truck, I was supposedly back on to drive talent vans. Then I was told by the ADs that I would be driving talent vans and I figured it was a done deal. Nothing is ever a done deal! After being told that I was on the crew and would be driving talent, I received a call over the weekend and was told I was needed to drive the wardrobe truck.
I'm not sure if you got the idea yet, but I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE DRIVING A TRUCK AROUND HERE!! So I turned it down. I was supposed to receive a call from the ADs as a follow up this past weekend, but they never rang. Come to find out today that they will not be using me to drive anything! Now I've been reduced to day-playing as a set PA.
Now, part of me is pissed! However, there's a part of me that is happy since I was trying to go back to Charlotte one weekend to see my brother-in-law and some friends play a Nirvana show.
So, basically, I've been a scrub for about three and a half months, then got a job and started making my own money, then lost the job (essentially) and am back to being a part time scrub. Nothing is ever easy.
So, my buddy, Jim Cremins, made a life changing decision a couple of months ago to quit his job as the GM of the Beekman Theatre and do what he moved to NY to do which is work in the film industry. Since making that decision, he's had work every week in some capacity on a project in that industry! Most recently he got on as an office PA on the low budget film "Scoutmasters." Being the good friend that he is, he got me an interview. I went in, apparently impressed some people and started driving. I worked my first day in about three and a half months and became an ex-NYC Scrub!
(cheers and applause and pats on the back)
I know, thank you, thank you! So, whilst driving I apparently impressed a few other people and I figured this gig was on lock! Then I found out the AD department (that's assistant directors) had a different idea.
See, when I first interviewed, I came in to be a driver. Then they realized I was an actor and they wanted me to be a set PA working with the nine nine-year-olds in the film. I was down for that! Then the director steps in and brings someone else in for the kid wrangler position...but the coordinators that I interviewed with still like me and want me to work, so they tell me I'll likely be a talent driver. Still awesome! Driving a van around for the actors (the film stars Patton Oswalt, Johnny Knoxville and Rob Riggle) and then working on set in between is a good way to make some connections.
Then during pre-production, the set decorating department needed a 14' box truck to get their gear to Yonkers. I got the call and drove for that day. I have to be honest, not a fan of driving a truck in and around NYC. There are certain roads you can't drive on in NYC and there are certain bridges you can't take. You pretty much can't park anywhere and part of this film takes place in Bear Mountain State Park where I would be driving up the side of said mountain with nothing but a six-inch rock wall keeping me from going over the edge and plummeting to my inevitable fate. Do not want!
The two days after driving the box truck I drove one of two 15-passenger vans on a Tech Scout. We hit just about every location outside of Manhattan and this is where I learned about the need to drive up the side of a mountain. There was a lot of back-and-forth between what I was hearing in the van and what I was hearing from the production office. The coordinators wanted me to be a talent driver while the ADs wanted me to be a truck driver. The set decorator, Lou, wanted me to drive his truck. After I told the coordinators that I didn't feel comfortable driving a truck, I was supposedly back on to drive talent vans. Then I was told by the ADs that I would be driving talent vans and I figured it was a done deal. Nothing is ever a done deal! After being told that I was on the crew and would be driving talent, I received a call over the weekend and was told I was needed to drive the wardrobe truck.
I'm not sure if you got the idea yet, but I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE DRIVING A TRUCK AROUND HERE!! So I turned it down. I was supposed to receive a call from the ADs as a follow up this past weekend, but they never rang. Come to find out today that they will not be using me to drive anything! Now I've been reduced to day-playing as a set PA.
Now, part of me is pissed! However, there's a part of me that is happy since I was trying to go back to Charlotte one weekend to see my brother-in-law and some friends play a Nirvana show.
So, basically, I've been a scrub for about three and a half months, then got a job and started making my own money, then lost the job (essentially) and am back to being a part time scrub. Nothing is ever easy.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Just a Dream
So, I had a dream last night that I was in space. I didn't have a space suit on, it was me, in plain clothes, floating through space. I believe I went up in a shuttle, but somehow got out of it and just floated up to a small space station. Someone was with me, although I don't know who. We discussed the changes in the different space shuttles over time. How they got more sleek and aerodynamic. We entered the space station, looked around, and then just left, going back to floating amongst the stars.
That was all I can really recall from the dream.
Then I found out that today is the day the space shuttle program will end...
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
TMI! TMI!
If you are related to Amanda or me, you might want to stop reading now.
You're still reading...STOP!
Okay, just don't bring it up later!
Keep in mind we've only been in NY for a little over two months...and those months have been from warm to hot!
That said, spontaneous sex is out of the question! Unless you are completely immune to the musty smell of the netherlands, a shower is absolutely needed before engaging in physical fun time.
Maybe it's just us! Maybe most people don't care! I'm sure there will be a point in time when we just throw in the towel and get used to stinky, sweaty sex.
Now don't get me wrong, sweaty sex is awesome! But this isn't just sweaty sex. This is walking around New York City, layer of grime on skin, hair slicked back from the sweat, soaked through clothing, in need of Gold Bond sweat. This isn't that roll over for post-coital heavy breathing, dry off under a ceiling fan while still reaching for a boob sweat. This is that lay down and push every cover to the middle of the bed, get the dog away from me, I love you but please don't touch me right now I feel gross, I usually fall asleep touching my own junk but I don't want to sour my hands sweat! I guess my point is, THIS IS NOT SEXY SWEAT!
I have been a morning showerer for as long as I can remember. The only time this routine typically changes is when I have to be up really early for something and showering the night before will buy me 20 more minutes of sleep the next morning. I like being a morning showerer. It helps wake me up! It's a great way to start the day! I constantly resist the need to be the night time showerer. Usually it is because I'm just too damn tired to shower at night and I just want to go to bed.
"Why not shower early in the evening so when you get tired you can just go to bed?"
Good question. Here's my answer:
I have two dogs that I have to harness and leash and walk down three flights of stairs and out into the street to stand in the heat while they piss and shit and then pick up said shit and walk back up those three flights of stairs and unharness them and then go to bed. By the time I'm done with that, I'm usually sweating again. Yes, part of it has to do with the fact that I'm out of shape. Yes, part of it has to do with the fact that I'm a sweaty person. Maybe in the fall things will be different. But for now, it's gross.
Keep in mind we have A/C units in our bedroom and in the living room. I've seen a lot of apartments without A/C units! Can you imagine the overwhelming, perpetual ball smell slapping you in the face there?
Now, you may have noticed that I'm only referencing the smell of the male genitalia and I have done so for very good reason. My wife smells like roses.
You're still reading...STOP!
Okay, just don't bring it up later!
Keep in mind we've only been in NY for a little over two months...and those months have been from warm to hot!
That said, spontaneous sex is out of the question! Unless you are completely immune to the musty smell of the netherlands, a shower is absolutely needed before engaging in physical fun time.
Maybe it's just us! Maybe most people don't care! I'm sure there will be a point in time when we just throw in the towel and get used to stinky, sweaty sex.
Now don't get me wrong, sweaty sex is awesome! But this isn't just sweaty sex. This is walking around New York City, layer of grime on skin, hair slicked back from the sweat, soaked through clothing, in need of Gold Bond sweat. This isn't that roll over for post-coital heavy breathing, dry off under a ceiling fan while still reaching for a boob sweat. This is that lay down and push every cover to the middle of the bed, get the dog away from me, I love you but please don't touch me right now I feel gross, I usually fall asleep touching my own junk but I don't want to sour my hands sweat! I guess my point is, THIS IS NOT SEXY SWEAT!
I have been a morning showerer for as long as I can remember. The only time this routine typically changes is when I have to be up really early for something and showering the night before will buy me 20 more minutes of sleep the next morning. I like being a morning showerer. It helps wake me up! It's a great way to start the day! I constantly resist the need to be the night time showerer. Usually it is because I'm just too damn tired to shower at night and I just want to go to bed.
"Why not shower early in the evening so when you get tired you can just go to bed?"
Good question. Here's my answer:
I have two dogs that I have to harness and leash and walk down three flights of stairs and out into the street to stand in the heat while they piss and shit and then pick up said shit and walk back up those three flights of stairs and unharness them and then go to bed. By the time I'm done with that, I'm usually sweating again. Yes, part of it has to do with the fact that I'm out of shape. Yes, part of it has to do with the fact that I'm a sweaty person. Maybe in the fall things will be different. But for now, it's gross.
Keep in mind we have A/C units in our bedroom and in the living room. I've seen a lot of apartments without A/C units! Can you imagine the overwhelming, perpetual ball smell slapping you in the face there?
Now, you may have noticed that I'm only referencing the smell of the male genitalia and I have done so for very good reason. My wife smells like roses.
Monday, July 18, 2011
You think your shit don't stink!?
Pigeons.
If you have ever been to New York or seen a movie that takes place in New York, you know that there are pigeons everywhere. When I first moved up here, I wondered how often people got shat on by pigeons. I also wondered how long it would take before I was inevitably shat on. Roughly nine weeks and one and a half days.
Amanda and I met up with some friends at the most awesome sports bar EVER, 200 5th. They have a huge projector screen in the back of the place and individual TVs for each person sitting at a table. I'm not saying there is a TV at each table...I'm saying there is a TV for each person! And you can get them to tune in to whatever game you want!
Needless to say, this past Sunday every TV was tuned in to the Fifa Women's World Cup Final. I was seated on a long bench seat between three people. I get a bit claustrophobic, so I had to take a break and get out from the middle of the bench. It was noisy inside the bar and I was trying to talk to Amanda and my buddy, Jim about his job, so we stepped outside for a minute. I led the trio out of the front door...and blammo!
I don't know if you've ever been shat upon, but it kind of sucks. This massive poop landed directly on my left shoulder. That's a bit too close to my face! I also felt something hit my neck and the back of my head. It took me a moment to realize what had happened. At first I thought it was condensation from an A/C unit, but then realized it was more than just a drip. Then I thought someone threw up out of a window above the bar, but there wasn't enough for it to be vomit. That's when I glanced up (risky!) to see the freshly relieved pigeon turn and strut away. I looked at Jim and Amanda who were confused and stunned.
"I just got shat upon," I said, nonchalantly.
Somewhere between the laughter Amanda was able to remind me that getting shit on by a bird is supposed to be good luck.
Amanda ran inside to grab me some napkins. I stood, frozen, outside of the bar and had Jim check my neck and hair for any poo-poo splatter. He didn't see any, just some clear liquid like water...yes...it was liquid pigeon butt-juice. I also noticed a bit of the dark broon on my thumb.
Amanda came back out and began wiping the mound off of my shoulder. A lump of it landed on my arm, adding a bit of insult to injury. I grabbed a napkin and wiped off my head and neck.
Jim mentioned that he was on the verge of getting sick. I mentioned that it was strange how the shit never smelled. How does shit not stink? It makes me wonder if this is true of all birds or is it just pigeons? Or was it just this particular pigeon...or just this particular pigeon's singular poop?
This isn't a science project I think I'm going to study any time soon, it just made me wonder. By the way, I hit up Brooklyn Industries on the corner of the block and got a new shirt. So it wasn't all bad! And if getting shit on by a bird is good luck, I should be the luckiest mofo in the world with the amount of shit with which I was hit!
If you have ever been to New York or seen a movie that takes place in New York, you know that there are pigeons everywhere. When I first moved up here, I wondered how often people got shat on by pigeons. I also wondered how long it would take before I was inevitably shat on. Roughly nine weeks and one and a half days.
Amanda and I met up with some friends at the most awesome sports bar EVER, 200 5th. They have a huge projector screen in the back of the place and individual TVs for each person sitting at a table. I'm not saying there is a TV at each table...I'm saying there is a TV for each person! And you can get them to tune in to whatever game you want!
Needless to say, this past Sunday every TV was tuned in to the Fifa Women's World Cup Final. I was seated on a long bench seat between three people. I get a bit claustrophobic, so I had to take a break and get out from the middle of the bench. It was noisy inside the bar and I was trying to talk to Amanda and my buddy, Jim about his job, so we stepped outside for a minute. I led the trio out of the front door...and blammo!
I don't know if you've ever been shat upon, but it kind of sucks. This massive poop landed directly on my left shoulder. That's a bit too close to my face! I also felt something hit my neck and the back of my head. It took me a moment to realize what had happened. At first I thought it was condensation from an A/C unit, but then realized it was more than just a drip. Then I thought someone threw up out of a window above the bar, but there wasn't enough for it to be vomit. That's when I glanced up (risky!) to see the freshly relieved pigeon turn and strut away. I looked at Jim and Amanda who were confused and stunned.
"I just got shat upon," I said, nonchalantly.
Somewhere between the laughter Amanda was able to remind me that getting shit on by a bird is supposed to be good luck.
Amanda ran inside to grab me some napkins. I stood, frozen, outside of the bar and had Jim check my neck and hair for any poo-poo splatter. He didn't see any, just some clear liquid like water...yes...it was liquid pigeon butt-juice. I also noticed a bit of the dark broon on my thumb.
Amanda came back out and began wiping the mound off of my shoulder. A lump of it landed on my arm, adding a bit of insult to injury. I grabbed a napkin and wiped off my head and neck.
Jim mentioned that he was on the verge of getting sick. I mentioned that it was strange how the shit never smelled. How does shit not stink? It makes me wonder if this is true of all birds or is it just pigeons? Or was it just this particular pigeon...or just this particular pigeon's singular poop?
This isn't a science project I think I'm going to study any time soon, it just made me wonder. By the way, I hit up Brooklyn Industries on the corner of the block and got a new shirt. So it wasn't all bad! And if getting shit on by a bird is good luck, I should be the luckiest mofo in the world with the amount of shit with which I was hit!
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