As a disclaimer, I would like to start by saying my heart goes out to the families that lost loved ones due to Irene. My humor is not meant to mock anybody's pain.
When I lived in the south, we would sometimes get a snow storm. Usually it wouldn't add up to much more than a couple of inches (insert penis joke here), but we would find ourselves stuck in a house with non-perishable foods, a gallon of milk and the frustrating inconsistencies of Time Warner Cable. (Just for the record, I still don't understand why everyone rushes out for milk. If you lose power, the milk goes bad!) The city would be shut down, Amanda would be working from home and the dogs would be confused as to how to shit on a sheet of ice. Nobody would be driving unless they had to or they were from the north.
Those from the north would mock us with their vehicular prowess as they navigated the ice covered streets with ease at top speeds. We would constantly hear the jabbing comments about how southerners are dumb and don't know how to drive in the snow.
"You call this a snow storm!?" they would say. "You don't know what a real snow storm is! In New York we wouldn't even define this as snow." They wouldn't understand that the city of Charlotte is not equipped to handle even the smallest amount of snow since it's so rare that we get it there. We don't have the slag trucks and manpower to handle these acts of nature. Would you rather people who grew up in the south say, "Fuck it! I'm going to drive anyway!" Nobody wants that. They will be slow, they will be dangerous and they will be sliding off the roads.
Then came Irene. Finally we were able to exact our revenge! The Category 1 hurricane decided to make her way up to the popular city of New York. (Now, I understand that Irene was more than a Cat 1 when she made landfall, but, honestly, when she made it to NYC, she was barely a tropical storm.) As us dumb southerners were watching the news and mocking this laughable "hurricane" that was on its way up for a visit, the know-it-all New Yorkers were boarding up windows and buying all the milk in preparation for a little rain shower. We went and got our gallons of water and a few boxes and cans of non-perishables, but only because we realize that NYC is not prepared for a storm and we didn't know what kind of aftermath we would be in for. Power lines could have gotten blown over and stores could have decided not to reopen.
The news was blowing the entire situation out of proportion as well. This was supposed to be the "storm of the century"! This was supposed to drown NYC and even had the dramatic computer graphic images to show the tides splashing up against the buildings in lower Manhattan. It basically seemed to us that after Mayor Bloomberg made the decision to shut down the MTA and evacuate flood zone "A", the news had no choice but to continue to make this storm as epic as it possibly could. But all of us dumb southerners knew that once the storm hit land, it would decrease in intensity. As the storm continued to move north and lose strength, we knew it would be nothing more than a thunderstorm by the time it got up to us.
Even the next day, the great city of New York hadn't recovered. All of the subways were still closed. Businesses were still boarded up and the streets were desolate. There were the rare cabs cruising up and down the streets, but not too many fares wandered the abandoned avenues. Tourists had gathered up their souvenirs and taken the first bus or plane out.
The news was still freaking out and we were told that we should all still remain indoors. REALLY!? Now I'm not saying people should just go out all willy nilly like it was a beautiful spring day, but to not go out at all!? It was one of the nicest days I had seen outside in New York since I moved here! The sun would occasionally peek out. The breeze felt amazing. The temperature was just right. All we really needed were a few brave New Yorkers to come out and open up a damn restaurant!
In a small way, it was nice to see the well adjusted people of New York freak out over what we knew would be a small storm. In a small way, it was nice to be able to throw a little mockery their way. Take that New York! Score one for the dumb southerners who never get snow...but know what a damn Hurricane is! Drive in that!
